And when you turn back...

So I'm going to go ahead and warn you that this post is going to be more on the serious side (and probably long and have no pictures, sorry). It's a mixture of a bunch of things that have hit me over the past couple of days, and I debated sharing it because there is nothing that says that you have to share all of the crazy inner workings of your mind and soul on your blog. But I have been reading through archives of the "Stuff Christians Like" blog, which is usually just really funny, and I came across this post. I encourage you to read the whole thing, but basically what it says is that Christ knows that we will fail and we will sin. But he tells Peter when predicting his denial, "And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers." So that is why I am writing this, to hopefully strengthen others.

I didn't realize it til last night at Bible study when Franky gave me the exact words to describe what has been going on in my life. I'm not really sure when exactly it started, but I have been having a crisis of faith. I'm not sure the best way to describe it, but if I had to define a crisis of faith, it would be coming to a point where you have to decide if you are going to really take the Bible and God and Jesus and believe all of it, or if you are going to do what you want because it's easier, it's more fun, more comfortable, etc.

Lately I have been selfish. There is no other way to say it.  I could try to blame it on various things, but the truth is I've really just been worried about me and how I can be happiest and have the most fun and fill my life with things other than God to fill up a longing that is inside my heart. And last night when I was getting ready for Bible study and realized I hadn't read or done the assignment, I didn't even know what the memory verses were and I hadn't prayed for the person I was supposed to pray for. I have been so distracted by my selfish desires that the week came and went and I don't know what happened to it.

Appropriately, we were in John 12 last night which happens to be the home of this fun little verse: "I tell you the truth, unless a kerel of wheat falls to the groun and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life". (John 12:24-25) Which reminded me of one of our memory verses from last week that I actually did manage to somewhat memorize I John 1:15-16: "Do not love the world or anythng in the world. If anyone loves the word, the love of the Father is not in him. For everything in the world - the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of whta he has and does - comes not from the Father but from the world".

And there it was. I have been trying to love my life, I have been indulging my sinful cravings, more so in thought than action, but really some of both. And I am faced with a decision. Do I believe that Jesus is who he says he is? Do I believe this enough to not just say it, but to actually die to myself and to give up my life for it? Do I even realize what all that entails?

If you were to take a good look at my life, the answers to these questions would probalby be no. But I want to. And I told that to God. And He is faithful. And he sent me this blog post and this sermon series this morning. (I have only listened to the first one but look forward to listening to the rest.) And he showed me just how selfish I have been, and just how ridiculous my struggles are. And he gave me a good swift kick in the butt and told me to get my head back in the game and get my act together.

Sometimes I am such an idiot. A lot of times I am an idiot. But God knows that this is not the end of me being an idiot, and thankfully all of my idiotic moments have already been redeemed. All he asks is that when I turn back, I would strengthen my brothers.