We're in the middle of winter, and winter always puts me in a funky mood. Some mornings I wake up and its dark and cloudy and cold and looks like it could rain at any minute and I just feel blah. The strange thing though, is that sometimes I embrace this mood. Sometimes I want to feel depressed and I just want to mope around and know that the world is crazy and life isn't fair and just wallow in that. Is that wierd? Maybe so, but I even listen to depressing music and just go with it. I may be crazy. In fact I'm pretty sure I am, but sometimes I just feel like being sad.
I think this may be because some of the times I have felt closest to God are when I have been sad. When your world falls apart and you lose something precious to you and things that once made you happy no longer do and your just sad and nothing will really make it better and you give up trying to even act like you have it together and just cry to God. These have been the times when I have been closest to Him, when I have worshiped and really meant every word more than I ever have before. So that was kind of a little detour, but I felt like I should at least explain why I sometimes like to feel sad.
So today I feel like being blah. And I found some music to assist me. On this blog, the writer was talking about the song Halleluja, (ironically as I am writing this I just saw that this song was the #1 download on itunes, apparently justin timberlake and someone else performed a version of it for the haiti relief efforts) which has been a song I have had on ipod for quite a while, but I never knew that it was about King David. Is this common knowledge and I am just not with it? Anyways, she goes on to say that it is more deeply about suffering, love, repentance, doubt and longing (This much I already got,at least I don't totally just listen to music and have no idea what its about - although there are some songs where it is better that way.)
So honestly, suffering, is not something I have experienced a whole lot of in my life, but the doubt and longing is something that I have been feeling for the last couple of months. Probably not a coincidence that this is when the weather started getting bad. But for whatever reason I have just had this unsettling feeling like I am just letting life happen and not really living it to the full. I feel like I am missing something. My problem is, when I feel like this, I try to think of things that I can do so I feel like I am really living life to the full and not missing out on anything. And some of the things that come to mind are things that I could do and they might make me feel a little better. For instance, this is the time of year where I try to figure out how many vacations I can possibly go on this year and think that a vacation may help fix the way I'm feeling. And going on a vacation is something I could do, although I would be surprised if I made it a week from getting back before thinking about where to go next. There are other things that I want to do that I just simply can't. And I think this is where the sadness comes in. Because you have tried lots of other things to get out of your funk and the only things left are the things you can't do, and of course, because you can't do them, it makes you want to all the more. I love this verse of the song:
Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you to her kitchen chair
And she broke your throne and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew a hallelujah
Its about David seeing Bathsheba and deciding that she was what he needed, but she was already married and she was one of the things that David couldn't (or at least shouldn't) have. But he went ahead anyways and slept with her and it ended up being a huge mess. (If you don't know the whole story you can find it in 2 Samuel 11.) There are some things in life that God doesn't want us to do or have because he knows better than us. But we are so stubborn that we try to fill ourselves up with things that are acceptable to God and when we still feel like we're missing out, the only things that are left are those that we can't do - either God doesn't want us to or it just can't happen. And so sometimes you just ache for things that you can't have, and you feel sad because circumstances in life don't allow for you to have what you think you really want. But its a good sadness, because the truth is, if you could have these things, they wouldn't make you any happier. They might for a little while, but not permanently. You would always end up back where you started looking for something else this time.
And this is why I like this sort of sad feeling, because it brings me back to Jesus and reminds me that He is the only thing that you can really have that can't be taken away, and that one day, when we meet him face to face, that empty feeling of "there has to be more than this" will be filled up and we will truly experience what we were created for. Don't get me wrong, when we are living in the power of the Holy Spirit I think he definitely blesses us with being able to do what we were created for, but because we are humans and because we are sinners we don't feel that way 100% of the time, mostly because we still put our hope in the things of this world and think they will satisfy us. Which I think brings us full circle to the sadness feeling I am talking about. I want things that I can't have, and because I can't have them I want them more, and it makes me feel sad. But I like it because it also makes me realize my need for Jesus.
If you're still reading, I apologize for this. Welcome to the craziness that is my head. Feel free to share any thoughts you might have. Or maybe none of this made any sense. As I have been listening and re-listening to Hallelujah, there is another verse that sticks out in my mind. But as this is bordering on ridiculousness for length, I will save that post for part 2.
8 hours ago